Cont'd
Lam: After a short break, we continue now with the “Under the Stars” talk show. Back to the topic about friendship, can you try and talk about each other, about his/her good points or anything that you feel dissatisfactory and wants him/her to improve on, as a friend to give others some precious advice.
Maggie: Do you mean how to be friend with us?
Lam: No. What I meant is, say for example, Gorgor said Maggie isn’t good on this and should improve; and you can say what Gorgor should improve on ...
Leslie: I think that I am very bitchy, frankly speaking.
Tony: You are referring to the past, or is it always like that?
Leslie: I always am. I really have to blame myself. I set a very high standard for myself, and request others’ to be just as high, therefore I really don’t have too many friends.
Lam: Do you feel that there is anything that Maggie should be improve on, or is there any specific thing that you like her about?
Leslie: I like her because she has talent. She really is very talented. She is a genius. I really have been following her closely on her improvement. Her second movie was filmed with me, is that right?
Maggie: I didn’t know how to express well at the beginning….
Leslie: She was expressionless then. We talked to each other in defiance in our first movie which is “Beyond the Yellow Line (緣份)”.
Maggie: Yes, yes, we even quarrelled.
Leslie: We quarrelled. She asked me why did I shorten her dialogue?
Maggie: I didn’t say shorten, but that you changed my dialogue! Because at that time, I had already memorized everything; bear in mind that at that time I found memorizing the dialogues really difficult. When I just returned to Hong Kong, my Chinese was really poor.
Leslie: Yes, at that time she used “Pinyin”, her Chinese really was very bad.
Maggie: I had already memorized my own dialogue, but then you changed it, right on the spot. After one or two takes, realizing that it was not to your satisfaction, you changed it right away and then instantly re-did the scene again. I just wasn’t ready for that. Then I said, “I’ve finished memorizing it, so don’t change my dialogue”, but he said it would be better that way! Then he and Huang Tailu came and talked me into it.
Tony: Talked you into it?
Maggie: Actually, I didn’t mind what to say, just that I couldn’t say them out!
Leslie: Therefore she was very angry!
Maggie: Therefore I was very angry.
Leslie: But that was only a minor irritation, she was all right the next day.
Maggie: Although you said you [referring to Leslie] are bitchy, as your friend, it’s because you are bitchy therefore we have a lot of fun!
Lam: Have a lot of fun!
(Gorgor smiles with embarrassment.)
Maggie: Because I have known him for so long that I have become bitchy too. The reason is that I will very much enjoy chatting with him about bitchy things, purely for fun.
Leslie: but not trying to hurt other people deliberately.
Maggie: Sometimes I do feel that our conversation is a bit improper!
Lam: Can you explain it in more detail?
(Gorgor demonstrates right away.)
Leslie: Hey, look at Lam King Ming’s trousers today, really ugly…
[Maggie started to laugh happily.]
Lam: It’s sponsored by others!
Leslie: That’s a joke only.
Lam: I see.
Leslie: I didn’t really mean what I said.
Lam: Actually, it’s very happy like that.
Maggie: That’s to say, we don’t want to hurt someone. We said that merely to let ourselves have some fun.
Lam: Is there anything that needs to be improved?
Maggie: There must be something.
Leslie: Really there must be something, but how to criticize? I think sometimes she is too real, so real that it would make other people feel that she is snobbish or pretentious. But I am of the same type too. Hahaha, we are two of a kind. My feeling is that why do we have to pretend? Right is right and wrong is wrong. So if you ask me whether that’s a shortcoming, I don’t think so. Say for example, is it a shortcoming if you don’t hang out with some group [Note from translator: In the Hong Kong showbiz, it is common knowledge that if you want to seek for better opportunities, you have to join a certain group of producers, directors or actors to get some advantages]? Didn’t join any group is not a shortcoming. I have my right to choose my friends, right?
Maggie: Didn’t want to be interviewed is not a shortcoming….
Leslie: I don’t like to be interviewed doesn’t mean …. I mean, really, why keeps on talking about special interviews, what special interviews? I have been in this field for almost twenty years, is there anything that you [referring to the reporters or interviewers] don’t know already? Don’t tell me that you are new in this field and therefore you don’t know anything. Still, it doesn’t mean I have to let you interview me. There is one thing I find most unhealthy, that is sometimes …. Do you know why I don’t do special interview anymore? It is because when I give out my heart to let you interview me for two hours, I spoke for two hours, but then all you wrote was something completely different from what I’ve told you.
Lam: Yes! This is the situation.
Leslie: Then you shouldn’t waste the two hours of my time! For me, I can earn a lot of money in those two hours! Right? Like this my episode is very expensive too! [Leslie was just joking, actually this talk show was free of charge.]
Lam: (Laughs and responds) Yes.
Leslie: Is that right?
Lam: Yes, thank you all.
Lam: So don’t do such a thing.
Tony: When he just said that he was very frank, I didn’t quite believe it, but now I started to believe!
Lam: Now I believe it totally!
Leslie: Don’t believe? (Tony is laughing)
Tony: I do! But you are overly frank!
Lam: You (pointing at Maggie) want to say something?
Maggie: I am quite qualified to talk about Leung Kar Fai, because I know him well.
Lam: Then say so!
Maggie: Do you need a commercial break first?
Lam: There’s no need!
Maggie: No need? It’s a long one, so don’t try to stop me! Just kidding!
Tony: This becomes a self-criticized meeting.
Maggie: Tony [pointing to Tony] is a real good guy. I mean he loves to help others. When he finds someone who are in need of help, he would reach out to do so. But some times he would get himself into a mess just trying to help. Besides, he also seems to have a lot of plans, because he will say, “I’ve planned this and that, and I will do it that way.”
Leslie: But did he do so at the end?
Maggie: No. Because he changes his plan everyday. He really gives you a new plan everyday. Oh, I have decided this and that and then everyone is happy and agree with it, and then the next day, he changes it again. Well, I don’t really mind your changing it, but the thing is he cannot remember what he has said before.
Lam: Oh, is that true?
Leslie: Do you call that….
Maggie: “Unpredictable Fai”.
Tony: Is this the thing that you feel I should reform?
Maggie: I think if it is something that concerns you yourself only and not others, then it is fine. If it concerns some other people and you change your plan but do not admit having done so and start to argue with me, this will really make me mad, and I think you need a reform on it. Because you make your friends feel that …. Sometimes, I argue because I have my own principle and I will stick to it, and it’s not because I will gain anything after doing so. No, it is your plan in any event. But I’ve got to argue with you to make you realize that you have said so or have done so and it’s just impossible that you would forget. Actually, I argue with him a lot!
Tony: This proves the thing that I’ve just said. From the moment I picked up the first tile I have already started to think who would win this game! [Tony used the majong game as a hypothesis.] Would I be the one? Therefore I would take a relatively long time to think, and then my friends started to grumble and said, “Hey, don’t change it. You’ve said you would dispose of the “White” tile, then you should stick to it.” If you said you would dispose of the “White” tile, but then afterwards, you disposed of the “Red” tile”, can it be done? It is this simple.
Lam: Oh, what you are trying to say is that you have your own reason for so doing, but it’s a matter of whether you want to reform or not.
Tony: I know that’s my shortcoming. Actually I am aware of it all along.
Maggie: But you still behave that way.
Tony: Why is that? That is ….
Leslie: Maggie, trust me, I believe that character cannot be changed.
Maggie: Right.
Leslie: Because it’s a character, so there’s no way that it can be changed.
Tony: In that way, would you choose to be my friend?
Leslie: I believe that if you love someone, that is, when you treat him as a friend, then you have to accept his character; besides he is not killing or setting a fire, just that he keeps on changing his plan. He said he would go to BBQ with you tomorrow, instead he took you to have ice cream. That really doesn’t matter that much!
Lam: That’s about friends, how about work? Will that be the same?
Leslie: He won’t, he’s very professional. I have worked with him before so I know and he’s always punctual.
Tony: I absolutely believe myself to be a professional actor.
Leslie: I believe the three of us who sit here today are all very professional.
(Lam coughs softly to show her disagreement.)
Maggie: (Realizes right away) should be four!
Tony: Yes, four.
Leslie: Right, four.
Tony: Don’t offend the host!
Leslie: Okay, what improvement do you think you can have on your character? What shortcoming do you think you have?
Lam: My weakness is I don’t always know what I am doing. Really, that’s true.
Tony: Can that be possible?
Lam: Yes.
Tony: Then we are two of a kind.
Lam: Oh, is that really? Just now you [referring to Maggie Cheung] said his character is that very often he was considerate and tried to help out, and I would do the same thing, and then at the end I would put myself in a chaotic situation. And that’s something really hard to take! Just like the “Under the Star” talk show now.
Tony: Sometimes I feel that, well, I agree with what Maggie said just now about my weakness, that is pretty close to your situation, I and you (Lam) really have similar character.
Lam: Maggie, you seldom talk about your family. What is your family background? Or is it because you don’t want to talk about it? How many sisters and brothers do you have?
Maggie: It’s a small family, just the four of us: my sister, father and mother and myself.
Lam: Your sister is really pretty! She and you are of two different types, but she’s got really good skin.
Maggie: Actually she is much prettier than me, a real beauty. I am not; really different!
Lam: It’s different.
Maggie: If you look at her, she really give you a feeling of sweetness. Right?
Lam: You are taller and slimmer.
Tony: If your sister hears of your compliments, she would be really happy.
Maggie: Everyone know it and I can’t deny it. Everyone tells me the same thing, I can’t help it. Mine is not a big family, besides, my parents have already divorced.
Lam: Oh, is that right?
Maggie: Really there isn’t much to talk about, it’s just of normal family background. My parents got divorced when I was 16 years old.
Lam: That is to say, you are living a very independent life all the time?
Maggie: Only after I returned to Hong Kong. That’s right.
Lam: Has your relationship with them got remote after entering the entertainment world? Any difference?
Maggie: I got less time to be with my family. When I don’t have any work to do, I will try my best to go out with my mother for tea. If, say, I am really busy in a certain period of time, so even if I do have some time off, I will not have the mood to go out for tea. That is to say, to live some routine life, such as going out for tea with my mother, I need to do it with my ‘heart’.
Leslie: For the three of us, frankly speaking, none of us came from really wealthy family.
Maggie: That is right.
Lam: Me too, not just the three of you.
Leslie: But after we join this field, we have made some contributions to the family. I think, this is something that I feel happy and comforted about. At least in the house, no matter whether it is just a nail or a carpet, it is something I earned with my own hardwork, blood and sweat. It is something that I am proud of.
Lam: But Gorgor, I will think it this way because it has been my own experience, that is, I feel as the Chinese saying says “Trees want to rest calmly but the wind won’t stop, children want to reciprocate their love but their parents are not alive anymore”. In the past, my family condition was not very good, so I wanted to work harder to earn more money to make them more comfortable. So I thought to do it that way was good enough and it was already a big contribution. But when my mother passed away, I found out that it was not like that. You had to be with her more often and talked to her because love and affection are very important. So until now, although my mother has passed away for over six years, I still often remember her. I cannot continue discussing it because I cannot hold back my tears any more … but this is my thought.
Tony: I will look at this matter the other way round. I often look at matter reversely. I will not think unidirectionally. Of course, on the one hand I will earn more money for my family, I hope in this respect I can satisfy their need; but on the other hand, what I feel very proud of myself is that when I am working in the society [showbiz], my parents have always been worrying about me, as to whether I would take the wrong path and do something wrong. The thing that my parents cannot accept is for people to say that their son has problems, such as, he is a playboy, indiscriminating in making friends etc. I feel proud of myself because having been in the movie world for so many years, although I cannot fully satisfy my parents in the materialistic aspect or in the spiritual aspect, I have moved myself to a higher level in my personality, thus not letting them be uncomfortable or disappointed.
Lam: Haven’t disappointed them, that’s very important!
Tony: I feel that. To them, this is very important.
Lam: But I do not know why until this day, I still think of her, and always feel that the time I spent with her was not long enough.
Tony: Because you were filial. But sometimes there are always matters that one wants to do but can never be achieved.
Leslie: But I think sometimes this is hard to say. Destiny plays a very important part among people, including parents. That’s to say, it’s probable that the destiny and fate for you to be with your mother has long been determined before she passed away.
Lam: (Suddenly enlightened) Wow, you (referring to Gorgor) really is remarkable. What you have said reminds me of a fortuneteller who told me once that since I have a widow’s peak here on my forehead, it therefore would subdue my mother.
Tony: For not being close to your parents?
Lam: Yes. I have never thought of that before, but now I remember it.
Leslie: I always believe it is fate!
Tony: I believe that when you mother knew that you were doing well in your career, got married, have your own family, she would not merely satisfy with the money you gave her monthly or how big a house she was living in, whether a driver was hired for her use; she would only wish that the children she raised would have a happy future life, a life that you feel is happy and comfortable, then I believe she would feel satisfy too.
Lam: (Relaxed) Come on, let’s cheer for this! I feel so much comfortable now.
Maggie: Now we have untied the knot you have had for six years!
Leslie: See how nice we are, far more better than for you to go to a fortuneteller or psychologist, right? You should pay us a few hundred dollars! [jokingly, as reward for untying her knot]
Lam: Now, tell me, there are so many members in the family, is there someone whom you love most? Whom you want to see every day?
Tony: Yes, that’s my mother who scolded me the most. In the past, I would quarrel with her.
Leslie: You love your mother a lot?
Tony: I am the one who quarrelled with her the most. From the appearance, I was the one who could not get along with her at home, we just didn’t “click”, and had not got any topic to talk about. We would argue before the conversation even started.
Lam: When you were young?
Tony: Yes.
Lam: Today, why did you change?
Tony: Because today I am a father myself and that’s very important (smiles). Therefore I think that every man in different stages will have different …. Say, for example, the moods of an actor, a husband, a father or a daughter are totally different. I think that everything has to be experienced, right? He (referring to Gorgor) wouldn’t know the feeling if he had not been stung by a scorpion. Now, occasionally I will still argue with my mother, but I am learning how to face the problem. Now I feel I still am not finished learning. At this stage, I am learning to be a father. Really something fresh is happening every day …. something new daily!
Lam: Something fresh daily? Hahaha!
Tony: Something fresh daily, and something bad too. We never know what the new topic is? What new stuff we are facing? Thus we keep learning until today, and I think I can understand it better. Therefore, I will look at everything from another angle.
Lam: Oh, that’s right. (Facing Gorgor) your Luk Che, right?
Leslie: She’s passed away for seven years.
Lam: Already seven years!
Leslie: Yes, just like you, to talk about her will make me cry, is it alright if we don’t talk about her?
Lam: Is that right?
Leslie: Yes. She loved me a lot! She was not my wet nurse; she hadn’t breastfed me. She did not get married.
Tony: She brought you up?
Leslie: (Nods) Yes, she brought me up because it’s destiny that I and my parents did not get together.
Lam: You also?
Leslie: Yes! (Lam looks at Leslie’s forehead) I don’t have a “widow’s peak”, so it is not true [referring to what the fortuneteller told Lam], but it will still happen even there is no “widow’s peak”.
Tony: So the fortuneteller was just cheating you!
Leslie: I and my parents …. actually in my whole life I only lived with my mother for half a year only.
Lam: And your mother still goes to your concerts very often!
Leslie: Yes. At the last night of my concerts, I dedicated a song to her. I felt that was a son’s responsibility, and I suddenly had such a spontaneity. I therefore dedicated a song to her.
Tony: This is an innermost feeling, love to a dear one, and it’s a kind of affection.
Leslie: Frankly speaking, after this concert [the 1997 RED concert] was over, I don’t know when I will do it again, or whether I will do it again or not? I don’t know whether my mother will have the chance to come to my next concert or not, therefore I felt that it was time for me to dedicate a song to her. She was really happy, my sisters were happy too and they all wept. Actually I think last night was a very emotional and touching night. After I finished singing the song, I felt relieved and comfortable. It wasn’t my original intention to stir up the passion as this kind of thing could not be done deliberately.
Tony: A song, everybody may get great satisfaction from this song.
Leslie: I am scared. I will not call my mother and tell her, “Mother, I miss you a lot, I love you and I care very much about you.” I will not say things like this.
Maggie: Me too, I also think that I am not good enough.
Tony: I am even worse. I sent my album to my mother, and after she listened to it, she was not affected, nor gave me any comments. Then I called her and asked, “Have you listened to it?” She said, “Yes, I did.” “Then how do you feel about it?”
Leslie: But sometimes my mother can be very polite. For example, when she comes to my place, she would ask, “May I use your washroom?”
Lam: (Lam bursts out laughing) Really?
Leslie: It’s real! When you hear this, you may find it very funny, but I am deeply hurt. Because I feel that even when you, Tony or Maggie come to my house, you won’t ask me if you may use my washroom. What I am trying to say is between my mother and me, we have a sense of sparsity because we have never lived together before. As soon as I was born, I lived and grew up with my grandmother.
Tony: So that’s why under this circumstance, when you have this feeling of love and affection, you should try to spare some time to be with your mother.
Leslie: Yes, that’s why I try to call her more. I plan to order several sets of suits for her this season, I think she will be happy! I think these are the only things I can do for her, to provide her with accommodation, get her a Phililipino maid, and give her money to spend, but in here (pointing his head referring to the thoughts) we are still…. we don’t click.
Tony: She is not your friend so it is impossible for her to “click” with you.
Leslie: I understand.
Tony: Therefore she cannot “click” with you. It’s always like that. When I argued with my mother, I would think she gave birth to me, then why she did not know what I was thinking? I thought this way, but you that way!? Many similar questions would therefore arise. But then later on when I thought it over, I realized that she’s my mother, she only gave birth to me but she’s not friend. The conversations I have had with my mother are definitely less than the conversations I have had with Maggie. If Maggie does not understand me, I will blame her because she should know it. Therefore looking at the matter from another angle, my mother is not supposed to understand it.
Lam: But did you realize that at the end, say, if something comes up, you will always go back home, and your family members are the ones who will support you most, is that right?
Maggie: Yes, I feel the same! If I am not happy, such as if I received a setback, or if some people bullied me, or if I was being scolded by newspapers, the one who reacts greatly is my mother who always protects me the most!
Leslie: That is to say she really loves you a lot!
Maggie: She does. I and my mother, when I was small, I came to Hong Kong and she returned to England and we separated for a few years. Other than that, actually I am pretty close to my mother. But now what I feel bad is I always go out with friends, and not with my mother. Actually it is quite a problem because it seems that the only thing I can share with my mother now seems to be just having meals together.
Leslie: That is to say you cannot really talk with her in depth.
Maggie: I cannot say that I will talk to her suddenly about something in detail and in depth because I thought she may not necessarily understand it. If I discuss with her about whether the movie is good or not, she may not feel like listening to it. But when I really have some concerns that I want to talk about, she will always be there if I am being bullied by others.
Leslie: That’s enough, what else can you ask for?
Tony: I once had a period of time facing the “x” society, because in the movie circle at that time, you certainly must face the “x” society. Perhaps I was not that experienced then, I felt that it was the hardest time for me. One day you wanted me to fly to this place to shoot the movie and tomorrow I had to fly to other place to shoot another, very pitiful! That time, I had to fly on many connecting flights, upon arrival at the Hong Kong airport, I was not allowed to go out because I had to immediately change flight to fly to Vietnam.
Lam: It’s quite a trip.
Tony: Yes. When I arrived at the Hong Kong airport, I picked up the phone and naturally called home. The one who answered the phone was my mother. She asked who was calling and as soon as I heard my mother’s voice, very naturally I started to cry. I was already 30 years old, I uncontrollably wept at the telephone booth continuously for over five minutes and I discovered that the phone booth was surrounded by a lot of people who asked what happened to this person? What was this person doing? But when I just heard my mother’s voice, I wanted to cry. Because my feeling at that moment was I did not want to do anything at all, I did not want to face the outside world any more. I felt there was a lot of danger and very insecure. I was scared! But once I heard her voice, I felt like laying my head on her chest, listening to her heart beat and that’s the way I felt to be the safest, and that’s enough! My mother asked me how I was, I said I was fine and that I was working hard, and that I had to board the plane right away. She asked, “Are you not coming back home?” I said, “No, I will go back home once the work is finished.” Therefore, the moment when the mother could help you most was not about how you dealt with her normally, or what were the concerns you talked with her about, or what should you tell her, but just a phone call, a voice, and a sentence of “Hey, where are you?” and for that I felt enough. I felt like having infinite strength right away. After crying, I had strength to face any thing in any societies. It does not matter anymore!
Leslie: The first time I really communicated with my mother is also through the channel of crying.
Tony: Yes, it will be like that, you naturally will do that. I basically could not control myself. I just couldn’t stop crying. After I cried for five minutes, I felt light and happy.
Leslie: The first time I felt that I truly had some sort of communication here [in thoughts] with my mother was when I was at the lowest point of my career and had to make movies at the Shaw Brothers. I had a row with my lover before we decided to split. After the row, I drove back home and cried on my way home. At that time, there was a very popular song called “Old Dreams Need Not be Remembered (舊夢不須記)”. I was listening to it until I reached home and was crying all the way. My mother happened to be at my place on that day. When I went into my house, she saw me crying. She said, “You are back.” I said, “Yes”, then I went to my room. She knocked on my door and said, “Oh, son, don’t be like that, seeing you like that really break my heart”. Just listening to that simple sentence, I couldn’t control myself anymore!
Tony: (Caressing the heart) then you were getting sturdy instantly?
Leslie: Not getting sturdy, instead I cried more seriously! But the thing is, at least I had a feeling that my mother really cared for me.
[To be cont'd]
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